my heart hurts because my mind suffers alone.

it's not that i don't believe. i simply reject you in my anger and confusion. no answer bodes well with me. i don't ask you because i've come to believe that i won't like what i hear. i lie. to myself. to others. i lie. i am not satisfied with what i see. every taste is bland. every touch too rough or too soft for my liking. the smell too pungent. the noise resounding in my ear is nothing but.

my approval and my understanding are all that matter to me. 

i scream, "you on the throne, get off!"  because at moments, i can't help but feel in the deepest parts of me that you might be, i daresay, incredibly incapable of doing your job. 

cruelty. injustice. powerlessness.

cruel because you reveal your strength in our weakness. cruel because hope comes after suffering. cruel because there's a gaping hole in our hearts. hearts that are impure and broken even as we exit the womb. cruel because we enter a world of pain in pain and at the pain of another. cruel because we learn from hardship. cruel because psychology says no one is to blame and yet according to your word, we are all to blame. cruel because we only know and see in part. cruel because the breach between infinity and man seems far too great.  cruel because you allow internal suffering.  cruel because freedom comes at too high a cost.

unjust because the innocent die atrocious deaths.  unjust because the innocent suffer for the sins of others. 

powerlessness because the already and not yet seems like a hoax. why must we wait?

why must we still see and experience pain and suffering? is suffering the only way? is there no other way...no other narrative through which your master plan can unfold? does the maker of time need time himself? or are you simply entertained? (going back to cruelty)

i am man.

i do not know.

i am scared of stepping out.

this is who i am.

this is all i know.

don't you pity me? does not an inventor continuously repair his malfunctioning device until it is perfect and pleasing to its maker?  have i gone past the stage of repair? am i a lost cause? have i spoken words that are meant to be unspoken? am i revealing feelings that are meant to be ignored? doubts that are meant to be concealed?

will i never be fully satisfied?
will i always distort the gospel for my sake?

will i always question? 

will the ground beneath me never cease to shake?