“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. — Habakkuk 3:17-18

Tears

These months are marked by dreary nights filled with raging thoughts. I see my fingers standing lightly above the keys, patiently waiting for a green light. Except nothing. I type and then I erase unable to get a grip on my own feelings and intentions. The insanity that fills my mind creates a bottleneck and any chance at coherence disappears. Ideas and realizations and memories jumbled together. My own head rebels against me.  I refuse to word vomit.  My mental draft inbox is overflowing. I refuse to let it sit and waste away to rot.  I need it to make sense.  I absolutely need to make sense of it.  But all I can do is cry. Then, a surprise. My groans and sobs create a language more comprehensible than the words that so often escape me.  I'm grateful that my prayers are known and understood before I pray them, before they come to even exist within me. The rhythmic pattern of my sniffling, muffled wailing, and then gasping for air speaks a much better and satisfying word. And though I am tired and weighed down by my heavy eyes, after the tears I am tremendously relieved. My heart stilled. I've come to express, finally, what a string of words could never fully communicate.

Helen Roseveare

"I found frequently that I climbed in glorious sunshine...my face set determinedly for the nearest peak I could see.  As I reached it, I revelled in the sense of achievement and victory and in the glorious view...Then, slowly, my imagination would be caught by the next peak ahead...and eventually the resolve would form to set off upwards again...

As I went down from the present peak into the valley between the mountains, I was often shadowed by the very peak I had been enjoying.  This I interpreted in a sense of failure and this often led to despair...I see now that I was wrong...The going down was merely an initial moving forward towards the next higher ground, never a going back to base level, so to speak.  The shadow was only relative after the brightness of the sun; the valley could provide a period of rest for working out the experiences previously learnt, a time for refreshment prepatory for the next hard climb.  Had I understood this meaning of the sunshine and shadow in my life rather than interpreting my various experiences along life's way as 'up' and 'down,' I might have saved myself many deep heartaches."

                                                                                                           

And Can It Be That I Should Gain?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Clive Staples Lewis

"Imagine yourself a living house. [You ask God to make some repairs.] At first...He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on...But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of...You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."    -Mere Christianity
                     

               

my heart hurts because my mind suffers alone.

it's not that i don't believe. i simply reject you in my anger and confusion. no answer bodes well with me. i don't ask you because i've come to believe that i won't like what i hear. i lie. to myself. to others. i lie. i am not satisfied with what i see. every taste is bland. every touch too rough or too soft for my liking. the smell too pungent. the noise resounding in my ear is nothing but.

my approval and my understanding are all that matter to me. 

i scream, "you on the throne, get off!"  because at moments, i can't help but feel in the deepest parts of me that you might be, i daresay, incredibly incapable of doing your job. 

cruelty. injustice. powerlessness.

cruel because you reveal your strength in our weakness. cruel because hope comes after suffering. cruel because there's a gaping hole in our hearts. hearts that are impure and broken even as we exit the womb. cruel because we enter a world of pain in pain and at the pain of another. cruel because we learn from hardship. cruel because psychology says no one is to blame and yet according to your word, we are all to blame. cruel because we only know and see in part. cruel because the breach between infinity and man seems far too great.  cruel because you allow internal suffering.  cruel because freedom comes at too high a cost.

unjust because the innocent die atrocious deaths.  unjust because the innocent suffer for the sins of others. 

powerlessness because the already and not yet seems like a hoax. why must we wait?

why must we still see and experience pain and suffering? is suffering the only way? is there no other way...no other narrative through which your master plan can unfold? does the maker of time need time himself? or are you simply entertained? (going back to cruelty)

i am man.

i do not know.

i am scared of stepping out.

this is who i am.

this is all i know.

don't you pity me? does not an inventor continuously repair his malfunctioning device until it is perfect and pleasing to its maker?  have i gone past the stage of repair? am i a lost cause? have i spoken words that are meant to be unspoken? am i revealing feelings that are meant to be ignored? doubts that are meant to be concealed?

will i never be fully satisfied?
will i always distort the gospel for my sake?

will i always question? 

will the ground beneath me never cease to shake?

I lay down and slept; 
I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.
Psalm 3:5